EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL :
It is a type of manipulation that most likely occurs in romantic relationships but can actually occur in other relationships as well now this manipulation tactic is subtle you may not even know that you're being emotionally blackmailed while it's happening.
If you're being emotionally blackmailed now this can be a dangerous practice even if it does not involve physical altercations or more obvious forms of abuse.
What is emotional blackmail emotional?
Blackmail occurs when someone uses information usually like secrets to manipulate another person this typically happens in romantic relationships and is the subject of the 1990 book emotional blackmail when the people in your life use fear obligation and guilt to manipulate you now dr susan forward wrote this book to help others explain and understand that the fear obligation and guilt that they were feeling was a form of manipulation i'd like to say that the book remains the best source on emotional blackmail and if you want to take a deeper dive into the subject i highly recommend reading the book for now i'm just going to give you the basics if you're being emotionally blackmailed you do not have to walk away from your relationship immediately even though often times that is the best course of action you should however confront the person who is emotionally blackmailing you and stop the process before you get emotionally hurt now emotional blackmail seems to have six stages.
1.Demand:
The blackmailer wants something from you but rather than just asking nicely for it they usually make a demand maybe they tell you they want you to cut off contact with a friend or a group of friends and you don't want to just comply because they're your friends.
2.Resistance:
you do not directly or firmly give into that simple demand instead maybe you forget to tell a blackmailer that you're hanging out with your friends maybe you tell a blackmailer that you have been staying late at work or that you're texting someone else this feels easier for you compared to flat out denying their demand.
3.Pressure:
This is where the fear obligation and guilt otherwise known as fog come into play the name fog is appropriate not only as an acronym but also as a metaphor for how people feel during this stage they're often led astray by pressure and manipulation as if they're walking through the woods and couldn't see anything due to the fog so here's an example of what pressure sounds like the blackmailer could say something that makes you afraid to defy them for example if you keep hanging out with your friends you're never going to accomplish anything you want to do they'll say you have an obligation to them as a couple we should be deciding who we hang out together or they'll use guilt if you actually cared about me you would consider hanging out with your friends less and me more at this stage certainly doesn't feel good deep down you don't want to stop hanging out with your friends but the blackmailer is somewhat important in your life and they're making it really hard to do so without negative feelings.
4. Threats:
These threats may be direct indirect or even have a positive spin but they're threats nonetheless to stop you from going out with your friends a blackmailer might tell you that if you continue to talk to your friends they'll leave you they'll hint that while you go out with your friends the blackmailer may harm themselves they may cheat on you or cause destruction around the house maybe even on a positive note they'll just tell you that they can provide a much better time than if you were to go out with your friends this may not count as a threat in the law but it is still a way to manipulate you and get what they want now this is a turning point do you give in to these threats or do you risk the outcome many people give into these threats hoping that it's a one-time occurrence.
5.Compliance:
if you do give in you've entered stage five now this stage may not happen immediately the blackmailer may spend a lot of time weighing you down with guilt fear and obligation but once you have complied the blackmailer will likely see this as a win.
6.Repitition:
The blackmailer sees that this process works they're gonna do it again maybe they will not do it immediately and maybe they'll not even do it in the same way but if they have another demand that you won't accept the process will start all over again the second the third and fourth time that you're blackmailed you might not even know what's happening you may also be so worn down that fighting back feels exhausting in order to regain your independence and re-enter a healthy relationship dynamic you need to create what are called boundaries.
Examples of Emotional blackmail:
-If you really loved me you wouldn't dress like that.
-If you won't let me go to the bar i'll find my own way out.
-Everyone says you're being mean for limiting my spending and because of that you owe me.
-If you leave me I won't want to live anymore.
-You're ruining my life by not letting me drive your car so now i'm going to ruin yours.
-we'd be in a much better place financially if you weren't spending so much money on yourself.
-If you don't change i'm going to leave you.
How do we handle emotional blackmail?
Most people don't realize that they do have the power to stop the process in its tracks as we saw in the six stages of emotional blackmail the person being blackmailed has a role in moving it along if you continue to passively resist or you comply with those threats you are the one continuing the cycle now i have to say breaking the cycle is easier said than done no one likes confronting their partner or a friend especially if they can anticipate fear obligation guilt threats or any negative emotion .Do not feel guilty both you and the person blackmailing you have the ability to make choices have discussions and set healthy boundaries the blackmailer is choosing to go about discussions this way but you have a choice to continue complying or to break the cycle.
The first step is simply to recognize what is happening like i mentioned earlier write down what you're observing and seeing and feeling and you may notice a pattern both of the blackmail and your compliance i'm telling you writing it all down for a month and seeing it all at once is the best way to see for yourself once you have identified and recognized this behavior you will need to set strict boundaries with your partner sometimes simply setting these boundaries can completely break the cycle emotional blackmailers may engage in this behavior because they do not know how to properly communicate their desires and they have just found that this pattern works if you love this person or if you want to keep them in your life set this stage for an open empathetic conversation tell the blackmailer how you're feeling and remind them that you are your own person.
If you want i recommend to be open and honest about your refusal to comply with threats in the future.
If the blackmailer wants to share their feelings or make a request decide to do so in a healthier way.
After this conversation what happens if the behavior continues because maybe a conversation is all you need unfortunately many blackmailers engage in this behavior out of narcissism they're not interested in your feelings and they're determined to continue this behavior in fact their threats may also be violent they may hurt themselves if you do not comply they may hurt you or they may cause other types of destruction if this is the case it's important to seek help definitely reach out to a therapist a friend or even a hotline and share what is happening many times in the case of serious emotional blackmail the best solution earlier is simply to cut off ties with the toxic person the resources that i just mentioned may be able to help you out of the relationship or at least direct you to someone who can wrapping it up emotional blackmail in any form can be harmful mitigate harm by setting boundaries and recognizing that your feelings are important in any relationship if this does not work staying in the relationship will only allow the harm to continue so put your safety and the safety of your children your pets your family and even the other person first.
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